We have made it to 2022, and in Australia, that means a federal election is due; we have finally been put out of our misery, with an election being called for May 21.
The most popular choices are like having fingernails pulled out. In the blue corner, Scott Morrison of the Sydney Liberal Party and a motley of hangers-on, the cold fish with lecherous grabby-hands; a man more concerned with campaign photos, breaching WHS guidelines and relentless slogans than raging bushfires, devastating floods and an increasingly impoverished working class that bears the brunt of the coronavirus pandemic. In the red corner, Anthony Albanese of the Australian So-Called Labor Party, the newly slimmed-down man with a slimmed-down election platform, a boring party apparatchik with an annoying drawl and an inability to answer basic questions most savvy operators bat away five times an hour. Both teams are relying on personality politics to see them through, which is a disaster — they would need to possess personalities to pull it off. As Katharine Murphy of The Guardian Australia said, “…there’s a fundamental content deficiency. In this election, the Morrison government has zero long-term plan to discuss and Albanese is determined not to put policy out there that can be weaponised against him.”
On the sidelines are a huge field of minor parties and independents, hoping to make their mark on the most powerful institution of so-called Australia, a nation formed from the theft, genocide and enslavement of the First Nations people. Because of the compulsory preferential voting system in the House of Representatives and the optional preferential voting system for Senators, it’s good to know what the party of the rando who’s getting your number 3 and 4 over your most hated bourgeois-bootlicking candidate, stands for in reality. As we anarchists are coerced into playing this game of Don’t Elect The Racist/Religious Nut/Murray Rothbard Clone (or another descriptor you can think of for a Labor Right bagman), we might as well do some of that harm reduction the “self-professed anarchists” among us like to bang on about. Might as well, we’re not all good at drawing veins on the shaft.
So, since I am horribly uncreative, here are a bunch of summaries of each party registered with the Australian Electoral Commission to run in the 2022 Australian federal parliament election.
Disclaimer — this is meant to be a bit of fun. If you want to know more about these parties, do your own research.
ANIMAL JUSTICE PARTY: Fuck vegans
AUSTRALIAN CHRISTIANS: Splitters from the Christian Democratic Party. Their main policies appear to be supporting the Religious Discrimination Bill, being pro-business, anti-vaccine mandates, scaremongering about Safe Schools, and bothering Twitter about God every day. A nice veneer with prosperity gospel fangs hiding in their mouths, and a suspicious amount of white South Africans. They are running two Senate candidates in Western Australia, and in nine WA divisions.
AUSTRALIAN CITIZENS PARTY: Lyndon LaRouche? More like Lyndon LaDouche. Avoid the CIA op.
AUSTRALIAN DEMOCRATS: The enlightened centrists still have a Don Chipp on their shoulder, apparently. The Democrats being reborn is proof that the marketplace of ideas is not efficient, nor does it bring the best ideas to the surface. For the same reasons, forget agorism.
Now fighting fit and raring to go, the Democrats are running Senate candidate lists in New South Wales, Queensland, Victoria and Western Australia, as well as a pointless run in Eden-Monaro. The Teal Greens are probably not too worried about these intruders upon their political turf.
AUSTRALIAN FEDERATION PARTY: The ongoing mass line front of four Victorian dudes who I hope are still armed and dangerous, waging a People’s War against… something. Having denounced 1975 as the year things started to go wrong (seriously, their website has a Before 1975 and After 1975 diagram), candidates make six pacts to talk a lot, listen a lot, use their smartphones to call people, and do what the people say they need to do. Meanwhile, they’re anti-lockdowns, anti-mandates, pro-horse paste, and defence bootlickers, with a strange side of animal welfare concern. No candidates yet, but you can write off the AusFeds as another right-wing waste of space.
AUSTRALIAN GREENS: Ah, where the environmental movement went to die. Formed out of the struggles of activists in Tasmania which culminated in the Franklin Dam blockade and its success, the Tasmanian branch of The Greens can lay claim to being the first “green” party anywhere in the world, as the United Tasmanian Group in 1972. Founded on the four pillars of ecological sustainability, grassroots democracy, social justice, and non-violence, the Australian Greens have tended to ignore the grassroots democracy ideal, exemplified by the Lee Rhiannon suspension over schools funding votes and the deal with the Coalition to shut out the minor parties from Senate races while fixing the Group Ticket Voting problem. As the German and Austrian Green parties have shown, it won’t be long until the Greens smash the other three once a sniff of power rolls along; the miners of northern Queensland nearly did it for them when their Stop Adani convoy rolled into town.
Despite that, they are usually the most centre-left politicians around, with a special mention to the Brisbane Greens for getting Johnno Sri elected — his strategist and Floodcast regular Max Chandler-Mather gave Terri Butler a scare in Griffith last time around. If you want social justice warriors, social democratic policies and environmental hardliners as your local MPs and Senators, chuck a 1 on them, in the absence of an actual socialist. Ugh.
AUSTRALIAN LABOR PARTY: Formed under a nice tree in Queensland during the 19th century, the Australian Labor Party has broken more strikes and killed the trade union movement in a way that the Coalition never could. Paul Keating was a funny arsehole though, wasn’t he, as he sold the farm, passed the Accord poison pill, and made sure native title would be controlled by the state. Now the preserve of party apparatchiks who have never touched a tool, other than themselves, in their life, they continue to make doe eyes at big capital and try to reassure their new friends at the craft whiskey bar that they are the sensible party of government for all businesses. Meanwhile, the downtrodden who continue to cry out for their help as the reformist vanguard of the trade unions receive nothing. The corpse of the workers movement, the ACTU, have decided to tie their mast to the sinking ship, and will not be moved, so let’s accept that Australians will continue to be fucked in the workplace until something substantial changes. Rank above your local fash with a shake of the head.
AUSTRALIAN PROGRESSIVES: ded
AUSTRALIAN VALUES PARTY: Their tagline on their website is POLITICS LEADERSHIP so I assume Pol Pot is gearing up for a run with these overfunded goons. Every candidate I bothered to read about is a former soldier in the ADF, and the policy list reads as the most enlightened of camo-clad centrist nonsense. Heston Russell, the lead Senate candidate for AVP in Queensland, appears to be the platoon leader, and is a regular on 2GB, Channel 7, Sky News, Steve Price’s “show” and the Daily Telegraph, so do a hard avoid on these future coup instigators.
CENTRE ALLIANCE: South Australia’s answer to Better Call Saul before Nick Xenophon left the Senate in an ill-fated run at a state seat, now a mess of flaky independents and a rapidly calamitous campaign to preserve the seats Xenophon, Rebekah Sharkie and Stirling Griff won in 2016 as the Nick Xenophon Team. They’re not nutters or weirdoes, so that’s nice. Preference above the crucifix fetishists in South Australia, please.
DAVID POCOCK: Much like his rugby career at the Western Force and as one of the best Wallabies I’ve seen play, Pocock is an incredible one-man team trying to snaffle an ACT Senate spot. Unlike his incredibly strong and abrasive play on the field, his platform is middling and milquetoast neolib drivel, in line with the independents thing I read about for two seconds the other day. Damn it. Do whatever you want with him, use his party to get to the six or twelve preferences on the ticket if you need to.
DERRYN HINCH’S JUSTICE PARTY: Imagine donating your liver and having it help Derryn Hinch get elected. At least he has gone to jail a few times for throwing the middle finger at the courts. No candidates confirmed yet, so Victorians may be free of his rubbish this time around.
DREW PAVLOU DEMOCRATIC ALLIANCE: He describes himself as an anarchist, so this is very funny. His electoral platform is a mish-mash of socialist reformism and the anti-Chinese belligerence that had him suspended from the University of Queensland for two years, and has five candidates in total running for Senate and House seats. Of course, Hong Kong-Australian Democratic Alliance candidate Max Mok will be running against fellow Hong Kong-Australian Liberal MP Gladys Liu in Chisholm, who is usually embroiled in an ASIO-investigated funding or influence scandal. Makes sense. Use them as a preference filler in the Senate races for Queensland, New South Wales and South Australia. I detest the idea of someone getting to parliament and calling themselves an anarchist when they’re there, so get Drew in to troll me if you like.
FUSION: Greenies with better web design and horrendous policy writing. They are an amalgamation of the Science, Pirate, and Secular Parties, Vote Planet, and the Climate Change Justice Party. I will sigh very deeply if XR people are in this and glue themselves to the road for a FUSION campaign stunt. Preference filler, wherever they run.
FEDERAL ICAC NOW: Single-issue party, what it says on the tin. Running in NSW, Queensland, Victoria and WA Senate races.
INDIGENOUS – ABORIGINAL PARTY OF AUSTRALIA: A First Nations-focused party, by First Nations people for First Nations people. Running on a platform to demand help for long-ignored communities, they are running candidates in the Queensland and NSW Senate race, and in Parkes, Robertson and Page in the House. Preference high and put the Greens next, show solidarity.
INFORMED MEDICAL OPINIONS PARTY: The cookers just left Canberra, don’t send them back you dolt!
JACQUI LAMBIE NETWORK: Lambie is running Tammy Tyrrell as her Tasmanian Senate candidate with the tagline “Two Heads Are Better Than One”, that’s gold. When she’s not being horrendously racist, Jacqui Lambie is awesome. JLN are also running in all five Tasmanian House seats, so look forward to a safe Lambie spending five weeks being a loose unit.
KATTER’S AUSTRALIAN PARTY: I saw him rev up a CFMEU march once with a speech so energetic and captivating, it was magical; I stopped walking down the road and watched the whole thing. Fuck him though.
KIM FOR CANBERRA: Another boring ACT “non-partisan” independent running for the Senate, who at least has more qualifications than “Legendary openside flanker”.
LEGALISE CANNABIS AUSTRALIA: nice
LIBERAL DEMOCRATIC PARTY: These IPA stooges should be wiped off the face of the earth, but they keep coming back. Their Campbell Newman slogan is hilariously bad: “He’s Back! New Party, Same Man”. Enjoy your record loss in a Queensland election! These pro-business hacks can get in the bin and the committed ones can crawl back to the Liberal Party to get owned by factional brawls.
LIBERAL PARTY, LIBERAL NATIONAL PARTY, NATIONAL PARTY, COUNTRY LIBERAL PARTY (COALITION): Engadine Maccas, 1997, Scott Morrison shit his pants.
PAULINE HANSON’S ONE NATION: Always put this germ and her candidates last and never preference them in the Senate. The faster Hanson is wiped out, the better.
REASON AUSTRALIA: Please, have some more enlightened centre-left milquetoast independents, now with a side of Jane Caro. Preference filler at best.
REX PATRICK TEAM: Hey, you’re not Nick Xenoph-
SENIORS UNITED PARTY OF AUSTRALIA: I’m not sure that this isn’t a superannuation industry front, but they are a party for retirees, run by retirees. Of course, they are racist boomers so they had to add a bit to their platform about immigration. You’ve had their chance in life already, sorry Grandma.
SHOOTERS, FISHERS AND FARMERS PARTY: They are friendlyjordies-adjacent which instantly send alarm bells ringing, but they piss off the National Party when they win; rural and remote comrades in New South Wales, here is a vote kind of well spent I guess. No candidates yet, and they are pretty shit policy-wise; centre-right boomerism vibes.
SOCIALIST ALLIANCE: Hahah really? Socialists managed to get AEC registration? Well, the Alliance managed to beat their former bedfellows, Victorian Socialists, to the magic 1500 members number, and they have two Victorian councillors to VS’s one now, so all power to them as they steer towards a predictably dismal campaign result. They have snagged a star candidate in former magistrate Pat O’Shane for the division of Leichhardt in far north Queensland, but that division is being bombarded by the major parties looking to win a marginal contest. They are also running Moreland councillor Sue Bolton against VS candidate Emma Black in Wills, which seems pointless but is probably more about retaining Bolton’s local profile. The Alliance has been the best of the electoralist socialist efforts up to 2019, and despite a relatively passive membership they do a lot to advance the cause. Vote 1 when they’re there, and do whatever you want in Wills.
SUSTAINABLE AUSTRALIA PARTY: Please do not feed the population control ducks.
TNL: The New Liberals, which are a new wave of fresh hell demons from the bowels of the neoliberal unreality we are subjected to every day. Treat them like shit independents or the weird party on the Senate ticket when you need a 6 or 12 to get out of the booth and back to the barbecue lineup.
THE GREAT AUSTRALIAN PARTY: Not a great Australian party. Former Senator, bankruptcy victim and bane of tea cup stacks Rod Culleton leads the charge here, with a ton of conspiracy theories, sovcit gibberish and lust for the 1901 Constitution. King Cooker Pete Evans was going to run for them, but pulled out once the COVID grifting hit a bear market. AVOID!
THE LOCAL PARTY OF AUSTRALIA: Tasmanians for government by sortition, that’s a novel idea. WondeXR where that came from. Hyper-focused Tasmanian independents with Jacqui Lambie’s former media adviser running under the banner. Preference filler for Tassie comrades.
UNITED AUSTRALIA PARTY: FREEDOM FREEDOM FREEDOM, FREEDOM IN FIVE WEEKS FROM CLIVE PALMER AND CRAIG KELLY
VICTORIAN SOCIALISTS: Now an intermediate group involving Socialist Alternative and a mass of Melbourne independent socialists, the comrades in black have made inroads in council elections, although they only have one alderman to show for it. Since the first campaign in 2018 for the Victorian state election, VS have achieved decent vote totals in the electorates of Wills, Cooper and Calwell, without much to show for it; 2022 is likely to be no different, another round of doorknocking and campaigning for “propaganda”. Despite a milquetoast social democratic platform, and another VS-SAll clash in Wills with former candidate Sue Bolton, VS are the good kind of socialists and this time, there’s a Senate candidate in Victoria! Give them a 1 or 2, depending on your preference.
WESTERN AUSTRALIA PARTY: The candidates largely look like divorced FIFO miners and their policies went straight to the Family Court’s existence, which doesn’t exist any more, so my Western comrades — give them a big raspberry.
Various independents: Who cares, they can lose their deposit for being silly enough to run for 50 votes.
This exercise has reminded me why electoralist politics and reformism sucks, because only three of these parties will be guaranteed to get candidates in, and so many of these parties and people suck; by going into a contest against the GAPs and PHONs and UAPs, we are degrading ourselves to try and get respect and middling support. Let’s do an anarchism instead. Draw a dick on the ballot.